Secrets and Lies
by Raya Kor-El
Summary: What do you do when your support system is taken away from you? Power through the tough days and hope for the better ones? What happens when it seems like it won't get better? Who do you go to? A 4x10-11 continuation/fix it.


"Who am I without you? The whole reason I became Supergirl was- It was to save you."

"And I'm still gonna be the reason. I'm still gonna be me. And you're still gonna be Kara, my sister. I just I won't know that you're Supergirl."

"I'll have to lie to you every day."

"It's not a lie. It's- It's keeping a secret. And I'm giving you permission. Now let me save you this time."

* * *

It was harder than I thought, seeing Alex all the time, but for her not to see me as me. I thought being around her would make it easier, but in truth, it was so, so much harder than I ever imagined. To have Alex tell me to call her Director Danvers, it really stung, but I couldn't let it show. I had to shake it off. Otherwise wiping her mind would've been for nothing.

Alex walked through the door as J'onn and I were in the kitchen. "Now this is exactly what I need.

After the weekend I've had, all I want to do is spend some time and relax with my two favorite people and the greatest movie of all time." She smiled as she walked to us with a bottle of wine in her hand.

J'onn and I followed her to the couch and we all sat down. "I'm not sure The Terminator is relaxing, but okay." I stated.

"Uh, T2. And it's comfort food." She clarified and I rolled my eyes before they landed on her hand. "Your hand." I pointed out.

She glanced down to it briefly before finally settling in her seat.

"Oh. Yes. Well, that is a lovely parting gift from Supergirl. I hope your weekend was better." J'onn and I exchanged a short look. I swallowed quietly as she continued. "Oh, J'onn said you were on assignment. How did that go?"

"Oh! The story I was following didn't really pan out." I explained shortly, not really wanting to dive into the mess up in Parthas. A pang of pain went through my heart as I thought of Nia, and that maybe I should've invited her over tonight. Especially after that comment Maeve said to her.

I swore J'onn sensed the conflict in my mind.

"Hey, how about we don't actually talk about work tonight?" He offered lightly. Alex exhaled and agreed.

"I could do that." I reached out for the remote. "Now, watch the movie if you don't want to die." I tried to mimic, and I knew I failed miserably. Alex smiled at me and laughed. "It's 'If you want to live.'"

I sighed childishly. "Oh, shoot."

Alex reached out and grabbed some popcorn before throwing it at me. "Oh, you goober."

We continued to watch the movie until late into the night. I wasn't focused on the movie; my mind was everywhere else. Occasionally, I saw J'onn glance at me, but I ignored it. Usually it would be Alex who would sense something was off, but instead she was completely enveloped in the movie. I couldn't blame her though. Maybe it was for the best her mind was wiped of me being Supergirl. She didn't have to worry about me. She didn't have to babysit every move I made.

I was snapped back into reality as Alex grabbed me in a hug. "Hey thanks again Kara for having a movie night. I really needed it." She stated as she held me tight. I hugged her back, but barely. "Of course Alex." She pulled away and smiled at me before giving J'onn a hug. "Goodnight J'onn. I'll see you soon?" She asked. He nodded. "Goodnight Alex, drive safe." He stated.

Alex grabbed her jacket and opened the door. "Love you Kar." She said as she was beginning to leave. "Love you too Alex." The door closed behind her and I plopped back down on my couch. J'onn stayed standing next to me. "Are you alright Kara?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I just had a really long weekend." I lied. He studied me for a second longer before turning toward the door. "Okay, but if you ever need me-" J'onn started. "I know J'onn. Thank you." He nodded one more time before leaving my apartment.

I stayed on the couch for a few more minutes before shutting off all my lights and going to bed. I looked at my suit that sat on my chair. I forgot to hide it when Alex was over. My heart dropped into my stomach. _I have to hide my family from my family. El mayarah, Alex,_ I thought cynically and rolled to my side. My bed felt colder than usual, but I dosed off eventually.

 _They were struggling and she had a gun ready to fire. My heart was pounding and I saw it was the only thing to do. "No! Director Danvers, don't!" For the first time in my life, I used my heat vision on Alex. Purposely. While she was herself. Not under the influence of Myriad. Just Alex. And I attacked her._

 _The betrayal was written clearly on her face. The anger, it was directed at me. Not any drug induced attack, I was me, and I attacked her. Rao, what had I done? I attacked my sister, and without a moment of hesitance._

 _Rao help me._

 _"Supergirl, you struck an agent of the United States military."_

 _I clenched my jaw in annoyance. "And you were about to shoot down an innocent alien."_

 _She stalked closer to me, eyebrows furrowed in fury. "I was containing a volatile alien, and you interfered." She pointed at me._

 _Anger flashed through my system. "That alien was just defending his home. These-these Children of Liberty wannabes were provoking him. They attacked a peaceful memorial." I yelled. We were being peaceful. Why couldn't she see what I saw? Why couldn't she believe me?_

 _"Your word no longer works for us. And I have a job to do. That's to uncover all of the facts. And that girl, she is not a Child of Liberty, she's just a kid who took a drug to fuel her rage." She stated as she pointed to the teenager. Reality rushed in, but I couldn't believe it._

 _"Why would someone-"_

 _"Because this world is filled with a lot of people that are bigger and stronger than her. And that kind of vulnerability, it makes you angry. And when you feel powerless enough, you will do anything it takes to feel strong." She sounded eerily like Agent Liberty, and my stomach flipped. I looked to the teenager once again, and I saw myself. I saw myself when I was scared, or mad at this world._

 _I swallowed my pride. "I can understand that."_

 _"Really? How? You are literally described as the Girl of Steel. On the outside, and the in." That drove a nail through my heart. All those years being here, on Earth, hating to be one of the last Kryptonians, and the only face that could ever make it seem okay, to make anything and everything okay, was standing in front of me. But not supporting me, not understanding me, but berating me like a child. A heartless child._

 _I was an alien to her. And nothing more. I wasn't her sister._

 _"You really think I don't know what it feels like to be vulnerable?" I questioned._

 _"No, I don't." She answered dismissively and shook her head. She took another step closer, almost in my personal space, and stared me down. "Now, you either stand down, or I will arrest you, too." She glared at me for a second longer before turning her back and walking away._

I woke up in a cold sweat and pulled myself in a sitting position. I swallowed thickly before taking a steadying breath. I rubbed my eyes to find them wet with tears. I exhaled harshly as frustration surged in my chest. I clenched my jaw and tried to lay back down.

My mind was racing from the memory, and I knew that I wouldn't get any more sleep tonight, just like the last few since Parthas. I glanced over to my clock and saw I only got two hours of sleep.

I pulled myself out of bed and into the kitchen. I sat down and tried to concentrate on anything but Alex, but my mind wouldn't let me. I looked around my apartment and saw a picture of Alex and I when we were teens right after one of our Danvers sisters' investigations. We were smiling so brightly.

Tears pricked at my eyes again. Will we ever return to what we had? Or was this it? Would Alex be there for me as Kara, but willing to arrest me without a second thought as Supergirl?

My throat felt like it was starting to close up, but I knew it was because I was crying. The tears only made me upset and I wiped them away angrily.

I saw my phone on the counter and I reached out to get it. I went to my contacts and dialed a number. It rang once and I got nervous. I hung up and waited a few seconds, deciding what to do. I agreed with myself and redialed. It once again and I waited few seconds, deciding on what I should say, but I hung up again, frustrated with myself. I scrolled down and found Nia's number instead. It rang not even once before she answered. "Kara, hey, what's up?" Nia answered, and despite the hour, she sounded wide awake. "Hey, um, I'm having a really rough night-" I started, but realized how stupid this sounded.

"Kara?" Nia asked, worry evident in her voice. I took a steadying breath. "I- uh, heh, this is so stupid-" I trailed off. "Are you okay? Do I need to come and get you?" She asked, her sisterly protectiveness layering her voice. More tears rushed down my face. " _Please_." I whispered pathetically.

"Okay, I'll be there in less then 10 minutes, hang tight Kara."

I hung up, put my head down on the counter, and waited. What seemed liked seconds later, my door opened. "Kara?" I heard Nia call before jogging into the kitchen. "What the hell Kara, you leave your door unlocked this late?" At first, she sounded angry, but her tone turned sympathetic as she got closer.

" _Kara_."

I didn't meet her eyes. "I'm sorry Nia, I shouldn't have called you." I stated. She immediately grabbed me in a hug. "No, no you should have. Come on." She pulled my arm. "Where are we going?" I asked. "My apartment. I don't want you to be alone and being here probably isn't helping you." I grabbed my keys and followed Nia to her car. We drove mostly in silence. "You don't need to talk about it, if you don't want to, but I'm here if you do." She stated as she took a turn down a street. I nodded, not feeling like talking just yet.

8 minutes later, we were in Nia's apartment. She handed me a cup of tea as we sat on her couch. I looked down to the swirling liquid before I met Nia's worried gaze as she sat next to me. "I'm really sorry Nia. I know that we haven't known each other long. And I know that I'm your boss, but I really needed a friend." I confessed quietly.

"What about Lena?" She asked. I shook my head. "She doesn't know about- _me_. This would make our strained relationship even worse if she found out the two people were just one. I can't lose anyone right now. Especially not Lena. She's my best friend, and I couldn't destroy her like that. I've already lied to her way too much." I admitted and exhaled harshly. "It's really complicated." I simplified.

Her eyebrows knitted together. "Alex?" I shook my head and wiped away a stray tear. Realization dawned on her face. "When you said that you watched Alex payed the price for you being-" Nia looked over her shoulder at her roommate's closed door. " _You_ , and that there were times of it being ugly, you said when you both were teens, and now."

I nodded and explained what had happened, excluding the details of the DEO, and how it affected us. I told her about the standoff between me and Alex in Parthas, Nia reached out and held my hand. "Oh Kara, I'm so sorry." I shook my head.

"No, no, it's fine. I think everything was getting to me, y'know? The stress of it all." I tried to play it off. Nia didn't buy it, and I knew she wouldn't. "No, it's not fine Kara. Being who you are caused your sister to be ripped away from you. I can't imagine what that's like." She stated. I clenched my jaw tightly before trying to blink away the tears. "The least I can say is that it really hurts." I sniffed.

I met Nia's eyes. "I-I don't know if I'll ever get her back. I don't think I'll ever get my sister back to who she was. I mean she's still my sister, but she's also not. It feels like the body snatchers have her, and I'm with the fake Alex. She knows me, but its not the real me. It's creating a rift between us, I can already feel it. And I don't know what I can do to stop it." I tried to explain.

"Y'know, I met this really wise alien who helped me recently, and I think her words can help you too." I raised my eyebrow. "She said that that times will get tough between family, but we need to have faith that love between two sisters will prevail in the end." She stated.

I laughed as I wiped another tear away. "Wow, I wish I knew that alien." I tried to joke. Nia smiled.

"Hey, the student becomes the teacher." She teased back. She laughed momentarily before the atmosphere turned serious again.

"I meant what I said when I said that, Nia, but I think this goes deeper than that between Alex and I. At Parthas, I attacked her. I mean I used my powers against her, just because she was trying to save a drugged-up rage-teen from one of the aliens. I saw it as she was going to attack an alien who was just trying to protect what was his. I even put my self on his side. I _sided_ with the aliens over the humans, Nia. The Danvers have fought so hard to make me a human, and I threw it away so easily. Alex and I-we- I'm afraid that even after this is all done, Alex and I will still be on the opposite sides of each other. No matter if she gets her memories of me back or not. I can't lose her, Nia. She's the reason I came out as Supergirl. She's the reason why I save people, she is my humanity, but without Alex as my sister, and I mean as my sister who knows all sides of me, I-I don't feel right. Like I'm missing a part of me. I can't even talk to her about half the things I do. After everything she's done for me, and I can't protect her like I used to, I can't assure her like I used to."

My voice broke and so did the dam that held back my emotions. Nia immediately grabbed me into a hug and let me cry. I buried my face into her shoulder and she rubbed circles on my back. "Hey, hey, shhh, everything will be okay, Kara. I know it will." She soothed.

After a few minutes, I pulled away from her. "Thank you, Nia." I whispered. She nodded. "Of course, Kara, what is family for?"

I sniffed again and tried to offer her a smile. We sat in a quiet silence for a few minutes and drank our tea. "Why were you still up, Nia? I figured you'd be asleep, unless you are trying to avoid dreaming again." I asked, worry affecting my voice. "What? No no no, I was working on an article." She stated. "An article? Didn't you just turn one in two days ago?"

"I did, but this is a something new."

I raised my eyebrow. "Don't worry, it won't affect my work. It's just something I've been thinking about forever." She defended shyly. "Will I get to read it?" I asked. She shrugged. "I dunno. Its just something I've been working on lightly. Nothing super heavy." She answered. "Hey, that's fine. I don't mind Nia. I'm actually proud that you're working on something you want to write. And knowing you, it'll be an amazing article. If you ever want anyone to read it, you know you can always use me."

Nia smiled at me. "Thank you, Kara. That means a lot to me." I smiled back to her before it turned into a yawn. "Oh shoot! You're probably so tired. I'm sorry Kara. Here, you can use my bed and I'll sleep here." She offered. "Are you crazy? No, I'm the one who called you and you rescued me. I can't possibly impose on you any more than that." I stated.

She cracked. "Fine, but if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. Okay?"

"Okay. Thank you, Nia, I really appreciate everything you've done for me."

"Of course, Kara. We may not be related, but you're my sister, my family. I'll be there for you." She started to walk into her room. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight Nia."

I pulled the blanket that Nia got for me over my body and laid down. It felt like the weight of the world was taken off my chest and I could breath easy. I fell asleep moments after my head hit the pillow.

* * *

I woke up later that morning to a knock on the door. I felt so heavy, and tired, that I decided to stay where I was, and that maybe I could fall back asleep.

I drifted off to the point where I could hear some things, but the rest of me felt like I was sleeping. There was a clock ticking away somewhere nearby. It was peaceful as I let my mind wander aimlessly. The knocks on the door returned after a few ticks. I heard soft footsteps walk by before opening the door.

Another pair of feet clicked into the apartment quickly. Someone was wearing heels. "Nia, have you seen Kara? She called me late last night and hung up. I tried calling, texting, but she never responded. I got really worried so I went over to her apartment this morning and she wasn't there. I called James and she wasn't at CatCo either. I don't know if something happened or not. It's not like Kara to disappear like that." The voice rambled off nervously.

"Lena, yeah, yeah, she's fine now." Nia answered. "Oh thank God. You saw her? Where is she?" Lena questioned. "She's asleep on my couch. She called me too last night." Nia answered. "What happened? Is she okay?" Lena's voice was shaky.

Nia hesitated. "Like I said, she's okay now." She answered.

"What happened?" Lena asked again. Once again, Nia hesitated. "Family issues. But if you want to know more, I think Kara should be the one to tell you. Not me."

Lena sighed. "Yeah, you're probably right. Do you mind if I stay here until she wakes up?"

"Not at all. Coffee?"

"Yes please, after that phone call, I couldn't sleep. I thought something had happened to her. The area she lives in isn't the best." Lena stated. It sounded like they were coming closer to where I was. I felt guilty for eavesdropping, but I decided to do it anyway. I didn't want to deal with the thoughts I had last night, or the emotions.

"Yeah, but Kara is strong, she can take care of herself." Nia tried to defend. "I don't doubt that, but still, she could've been caught off guard." Lena explained.

There was some clattering of mugs as Nia was grabbing the cups and the scent off coffee hit my nose. "I know I asked this already, but is she okay?" Lena rephrased after a few moments of silence. "I think so. She's going through a really tough time right now, and she needed someone to vent to." Nia stated.

Lena sighed sadly. "I knew something was up with her, but I didn't do anything or say anything. Do you think that's why she hung up on me? I mean we used to be really close. But I feel like we're not as much anymore."

Nia scoffed. "Are you kidding? Lena, she loves you. I think she didn't want to dump all the things that are on her mind, onto you." Nia offered.

"Yeah, maybe." Lena trailed off. They fell into another silence. I decided that it was time to face the music. I slowly reached out and stretched like a cat in bathing in the sun. It felt good as my shoulder popped from sleeping on it too long and I let out a small groan.

I grabbed my hair and threw it up in a quick bun. I stood up and let out a yawn. I turned around and blinked a few times. "Lena?" I asked tiredly, trying to sound surprised. I glanced over to Nia briefly before Lena walked over to me. She gave me a hug. "Thank God you're okay. You scared me." She whispered into my ear.

I returned the hug, not as tight as Lena did. She pulled away. "What happened Kara?" I stayed silent before looking back to Nia. She nodded before walking back into her bedroom, giving us privacy. Lena looked over to Nia's now shut door. I took the moment to look over to Nia's roommate's door and scanned it with my x-ray, confirming that she was not in the apartment.

"It's Alex." I started. Lena looked at me, confused. "Is she okay?" Lena questioned. "Yes, and no." I answered vaguely. She raised her eyebrow at me, her signature move. My heart swayed lightly at the action.

I sighed and put my head in my hands. "Why is this so hard? You're my best friend. I should be able to tell you everything." I bit my lip and tried to string together some way to talk to her about this. Without any lies. I knew that I couldn't lie to Lena any longer. And I knew that she wasn't going to leave without an answer.

Lena reached out and pulled my hands away from my face. "Kara, I know." She stated softly. I chuckled nervously. "K-know what?" I asked. "I know that you're Supergirl." She answered.

"What? Me? Supergirl? No you-" She sent me a look and it stopped me dead in my tracks. "How long?" I asked. "Long enough. You aren't the sneakiest person. And your excuses are just terrible. But when I went into your apartment to look for you, I saw the suit in your bedroom. You really need to be more careful." She advised.

I sighed. "Lena- I'm sorry. I never wanted you to find out this way. Actually, I never _ever_ wanted to lie to you. I know that you're mad-" She cut me off.

"Oh Kara, I'm not mad, I'm furious."

My heart dropped and ice formed in my veins. I can't lose Lena too. Not after everything with Alex. "Not at you specially, but at me, at the DEO, at my brother. If I wasn't me, I probably would've known by now. But I am a Luthor, Lex is my brother, I made the Kryptonite, we both argued, the DEO doesn't trust me. I have to live with that." She stated.

"No, Lena no. Don't think like that. You aren't a Luthor, at least not to me. You're Lena, my best friend who could easily school me in any subject. You're Lena, a woman who has an amazingly high IQ, but can never beat me at those silly board games. You put up with me singing at game night, or movie night, and secretly love to sing too." I pointed out.

"If I'm just Lena, then why didn't you wait for me to answer?" She asked, her green eyes searching.

"I was afraid that I could lose you too." I confessed.

She knitted her eyebrows together. "Too?" Lena questioned. "The government wants to know Supergirl's identity for 'security reasons', but I known that they will use it to control what I do. A colonel found out, and threatened me. Threatened everyone I love and stated that I would be conscripted into the military as another way to control me. Alex knocked her out, and we erased her memory of knowing who I was, but she woke up still wanting to find out. She found a Truth Seeker and started to use it on the agents to find out who I am. The only way to secure my identity and not force me to be a military resource was to wipe all their minds, including Alex. She doesn't know I'm Supergirl. And it's changed her." I explained.

I could see the gears turning in Lena's head. "I noticed that when James and I were at your apartment. It seemed off, but I couldn't place it. James said I was being delusional."

"There was an attack up in Parthas as Nia and I visited. Some drug caused people to rage out, and some Children of Liberty wannabes decided to use it to attack the memorial of Nia's mom. There was this girl who took the drug, and she fought an alien, an Ilmaer, which are a peaceful race. Alex and some agents arrived on the scene. Alex saw it as an alien attacking a human who was scared and was acting on her fear, and I saw it as an alien who was defending what was his. She threatened me, and warned me to not interfere or she would arrest me. I hate the fact that I was ready to attack Alex."

I shook my head. "I mean, I did attack her. She was ready to fire on that Ilmaer, and I used my heat vision to stop Alex. The rage I saw in her eyes, it was scary. But the scariest part of that, is that I don't know if I'll ever get Alex back. Maybe it'll stay this way forever, and I'll have to juggle being Kara and Supergirl. Like with you, I'll have to keep lying to her face just to make sure she is safe from whatever wrath will come down if people make the connection between me and Supergirl." I elaborated.

I looked away from Lena, the truth finally out and yet, I felt even worse then when I lied. Maybe it was because I lied to Lena for so long. I swallowed thickly.

Lena reached out and pulled me into another tight hug. "Kara, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what its like to face that every day." She stated. I clenched my jaw, hoping to stop the tears from forming, but they came anyway. "I never intended to hurt you Lena. I never wanted to upset you, I never wanted to use my friends against you. I know the way I acted after finding out about Sam, and the Kryptonite was wrong, and I take full responsibility for it. I just hope that you can forgive me for what I've done to you." I apologized.

"Oh Kara, of course. Of course I forgive you."

 **Hey guys, these last two episodes have been killing me. They took away our precious Danvers sisters. Of course my mind couldn't allow it and its all I've been thinking about. Well, this and the fact that Nia knows Kara is Supergirl before Lena. So naturally, those ideas formed into this oneshot. And a really quick update for Blood or Water, my inspiration has been flat lately. I've tried to write more, but nothing good has come out of it. Its frustrating and I'm hoping by writing this, it'll help me get things moving again, and maybe it will make you all happy that I wrote something. If not, I'm sorry and I'll try to get a new chapter up for BoW soon! ~Raya Kor-El**


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